Cupcakes & Bikinis

Anyone else experiencing an unusual amount of work lately?  I like being busy, but it has been mildly outrageous.  Too many hours working, thinking about work, worrying about work, etc.  I think most of this could be solved if the weather would be a bit kinder across the country.  It seems all parties are particularly crabby and I'm sure a fair amount of spring-like temperatures could improve that tremendously.  People will start to slack off and not worry so much about those pesky software problems.  That and cupcakes.  Yesterday, I explained my cupcake diplomacy strategy to my sister.  I'm pretty sure that many of the world's economic problems and political unrest could be solved by mandatory Monday cupcakes.  Small business growth + sugar endorphins = world peace.  My sister awarded me with Awesome award.  I dramatically thanked all the little people that could make this possible.

In other news, last Monday, my hubby and I started running!  And then it rained.   And then it snowed.  And snowed.....  really?  Thanks a heap Kansas.  My 5K running app is judging me now.  Thankfully Jillian Michaels "Ripped in 30" has been keeping me company indoors.  My impending vacation to sunny Scottsdale in 3 weeks has been rather motivating to me.  Too bad I wasn't this motivated 4 weeks ago.  Now I have exactly 3 weeks to improve my muscle tone and lose some extra poundage as best I can.  After a glass of wine on Saturday night for courage, I clicked "purchase" on a two-piece bathing suit.  I suppose its technically a bikini, but since that word scares the bejesus out of me, so we won't be calling it by that name.  I can live with "two-piece".  The last time I put on anything resembling a bikini <shudder> I'm fairly certain it had matching water wings to keep me from drowning in the deep end of the pool.

What's kept me away

What you are about to witness is my journey to truth and an attempt to explain, but not excuse my behavior for the past month or so.  I would like to start off by saying that February is historically the worst month of the year for me.  I grapple with all the things that everyone else does.  February is bleak and horrible for the following reasons:

• The days are short, the sunshine is infrequent (don't ever let me move to a cloudy/rainy climate, I will wilt) and its blustery, cold and stupid outside.  
• We had over 16 inches of snow in one week...can you say recipe for comfort food?  
• I hate Valentines Day for several deep-rooted reasons that started in my teenage years and continue to this day.  In a nutshell, it tends to make single people feel overly lonely and couples feel artificially obligated...I think its a rotten, pressure-filled holiday.  I long for February 15 pretty much as soon as I see the first pink-red-purple-heart-shaped candy hit the store.
• Due to the dreaded V-Day madness, there are temptations galore which hit me in my weak places.  Chocolate covered everything, truffles, enticing cupcakes, frosting, frosting and frosting... its a sweets addict's worst nightmare.

The past 4-5 weeks have been a series of false starts for me.  I would start the week or weekend with weak resolve to maintain a clean eating/exercise program and then the downward spiral set in...the self-loathing and frustration would take root and refuse to budge.  Too much pressure!  Pressure to have my act together, pressure to be mentally/financially/emotionally/professionally fit and I was failing all over the place.  It was a darkness that I didn't fight (or at least didn't fight hard enough) and before I knew it, I had gained back the weight I lost during the 21 day challenge in December.  And I hated myself for it.  Of course I tried not to let that show, I put on my very best Mary Poppins face and told everyone that everything was fine.  Fine, I tell you!  Except it wasn't fine and I lost my fighting spirit.

I took a week long stay-cation at the end of the month and it proceeded to dump the remaining 12 inches or so of snow on the ground.  While I definitely made some more poor eating choices, I used this time to give myself the room to breath that I needed.  It was a time to take stock of my situation and identify the root cause, rather than the symptoms, of my bad habits.  A friend of mine coined this time my "sweat lodge" journey which is funny because it was so stinking cold outside and I kept having this mental image of Dr. Quinn's hunky Sully squatting in a sweat lodge with Cloud Dancing, but she was right.  I needed to marinate in my pain a little to figure out what was wrong and why I wasn't doing anything about it.  I was able to see and understand many of the unresolved things in my heart/mind that needed to be addressed so I could move forward and heal.

Of course, the very next week, I left for a business trip in New Orleans...A fun fact about me, I like to immerse myself in the food culture of each place I visit so that I can see what all the fuss is about.  I did exercise almost every day of my trip, but I definitely enjoyed the local cuisine.  New Orleans is not my kind of town when it comes to the nightlife/entertainment (Bourbon Street is wretched and it smells like Satan), but man, those folks know how to cook!  I didn't have one meal that wasn't absolutely delightful and it wasn't even all Cajun (thank you Yelp and TripAdvisor for steering me toward German, Italian and Comfort Fusion flavor nirvana).

So this week, I am back and it feels good to see 'me' again.  I've missed the 'me' that isn't so entrenched in frustration and pain.  I'm taking each day, each moment at a time like I did in the beginning.  Back to the basics because, yeah, the basics freaking work.

And can we just eliminate February from the calendar already?  I mean, come on, its 28 days...sometimes, except when its 29...that's weird.  We can just make the other months longer and they can absorb February.  V-Day disappears, everyone who was born in that month can have a brand new birthday and Leap Day can be tacked on at the end of December when everyone likes to take a little extra time between Christmas and New Years anyway.  People, I think this could work.
(my apologizes to anyone who was born or married in February, I don't mean to hate on your month, but seriously, it started it with me...so not my fault).

:)

A meal for a cold winter's night

I love recipes that fill the house with delicious aromas of roasting garlic & onions.  The ones that make your toes curl with delight as you savor each and every bite.  This is my new favorite comfort food packed with flavor but not heavy on the calories.  Plus, its just darn pretty in the bowl.

I make mine with Johnsonville Pork & Chicken blended mild Italian sausage.  I've made it before with Italian turkey sausage and to be honest, its disappointing because the sausage is a little too dry.  Don't get me wrong, I like Italian turkey sausage cooked into pasta sauce, but without any sauce its just a little bland by itself.

Italian Sausage, Peppers & Potatoes
Adapted From Good Housekeeping
5 Servings

Nutritional Information (per serving, according to myfitnesspal.com)

Calories  446
Carbs  52
Fat  18
Protein  22


Prep Time: 10 min
Cook Time: 30 min
Oven Temp: 450

Ingredients
1 pound or 5 Links of Johnsonville Pork & Chicken Mild Italian sausage, cut crosswise into thirds
6 medium red potatoes, each cut in large wedges (about 8)
1 large white onion, cut into large wedges (about 8-12)
1 large red bell pepper, cut into 8 pieces
1 large yellow or orange bell pepper, cut into 8 pieces
1 tablespoon olive oil
1+ tablespoon fresh minced garlic
Salt
Pepper
Dried Basil
Dried Oregano

Directions
1. Preheat oven to 450° F.
2. Cover a large jelly-roll pan with aluminum foil (or lightly coat with cooking spray).
3. In a large bowl or bag, combine potatoes, onion, peppers, olive oil, garlic salt (about 1/2 to 1 teaspoon), and black pepper (about 1/2 teaspoon); toss to coat.  Add sausages and gently mix.
4.  Spread mixture on jelly-roll pan.  Sprinkle with dried basil & oregano (and more salt & pepper if it seems too light).
5.  Roast sausage mixture 30 or until potatoes are fork-tender and sausages are lightly browned, stirring/turning once 15 minutes into roasting.
6.  Try not to lick the bowl...

Happy Dance! (P90x Week 1 Done)

Starting Weight - 186 lbs

Post Week 1 Weigh-in - 182.4 lbs

Now I am realistic enough to know that this was mostly water/whatever weight that happens when you start a strict calorie diet, drink lots of water and spend an hour working out every day.  That didn't stop me from doing the silent happy dance this morning in the bathroom while the rest of the household was snoozing away.

In case I forgot to mention it, P90x is hard.  H_A_R_D.  Not impossible, but yeah, really stinking hard.  I'm focusing on my form so much more this time around and its paying off...with really sore muscles.  I know its only week 1, but I'm already starting to see some of the changes that are on the horizon.  I must take a before picture so I have something to compare myself to when I am done.  Unfortunately, I'm lousy at remembering to do stuff like this, but I'll try to rig something up tonight.

In other news, I've been contemplating the purchase of new swimwear.  Being a 6 foot female, this is always a daunting task to find something that will accommodate my long torso, but perhaps its time to consider something in the 2 piece category?  Maybe?  Eh?  I'm really drawn to the vintage swimwear trend.  Here are some pieces that I have my eye on:

Unique Vintage
Vintage Inspired 50's Style Pin Up Blue Cherry Print Bathing Suit 

Unique Vintage
Vintage Inspired Swimsuit 50's Black Cherry Print One Piece

Unique Vintage
Vintage Inspired Swimsuit 50's Style Black And Red Polka Dot Bikini 

"F" Words

I haven't blogged in the last week or so because my thoughts have been unbloggable.  Gone were positive, uplifting messages of inspiration and in their place, a mind strewn with F words...failure, frazzled, frenzy, fear, frustration, fatigue...  But! I had to rally and pull myself up by my bootstraps because its time to live in reality where things just aren't that bad.  I have a wonderful life and I am surrounded by fabulously flawed family & friends.  Its time to embrace this chaos, right?  Right?!

So after consuming more than a reasonable amount of Edy's Light Fudge Tracks ice cream and deciding it was time to suck it up, I recommitted myself for the 5,093 time to never stray again!  Or at least, not to stray too far :)  This week marks the return of P90x (per my husband's request).  I was inclined to move to something else like Insanity or Rushfit, but honestly, if he's willing to put in the time to do it, I'm on board.  My Fitness Pal welcomed me back with open arms and reminded me that I hadn't fully tracked all my calories in 3 days, which seemed a little judgmental but then again, I did this to myself.  I'm on Day 2 of P90x and I can already feel the deep ache within my muscles cursing me for waiting so long between workout routines.   The good news is that the holidays didn't bring any weight gain for me (no real weight loss either after the 21 day challenge ended).  So minus the 2 pounds of whatever weight (water, salt, ice cream, being a chick) that I added to the scale over the weekend, I'm starting off in a good spot.  

Tony Horton, kick my a$$ into gear.  Its time to get serious for we are headed into <shudder> swimsuit season.

The obligatory "2013 Resolution" post

I actually do like making New Years resolutions for myself, but starting in 2012, I tried to build them with my own weaknesses and strengths in mind.  I had some successes and some not-so-successful outcomes but I still enjoy the process of feeling renewed with new purpose.  I just read a blog post from one of my FAVORITE BLOGGERS ON THE PLANET about this subject and she has inspired me to share my own.  Seriously, if you don't follow the Pioneer Woman blogs, you should.  Right now.  Even if you don't cook...or bake...or homeschool your kids...or like photography...or like cattle ranches.  She's brilliant and funny and someone I would love to just know in person.

You can find her posts here.

So the idea is to take the letters of the word "Resolution" and outline your own goals.  Its silly and fun and its my blog so I'm gonna do it.  

Read a sentence, passage or chapter of an actual book (blogs, emails or social media doesn't count) of every day for sheer increase in knowledge or entertainment value.  Can't be work-related in any way.  No time minimums or limits.  

Eat clean for 90% of meals per week (i.e. 3 splurgy meals per week)  

Suck it up and workout at least 4 times per week.  This body isn't going to get/stay toned by itself.

Organize mini-vacations to visit friends who live in El Dorado Springs, Seattle, & Billings.

Listen to my creator, he knows what he is doing when I don't.

Understand and embrace my body/food issues so that I know how to navigate them more positively.

Tell those I cherish how much I adore and admire them as often as possible.

Invite friends to meals/movies/walks/generic outings more.  I worry that I have become the one who doesn't initiate this and that could be perceived as insensitive or uncaring.

Obsess less about the following topics: money, food, future, body image

Notice and take immediate action of problems that I can solve or at minimum, improve.   

Feel free to share yours if you would like, I really enjoyed doing this and would love to see others.

Clean Eating & Decisions...

The past two weeks have been a fairly typical parade of holiday festivities all adding up to too much fat, salt, sugar and wine (though you won't hear me complaining about the wine...or the martinis consumed with my best friend who was in town for the holidays).  As much as I cherish the new memories associated with consuming delectable treats with my loved ones, I am completely happy to return to my routine of clean eating.  I could feel the balance coming back into place as I consumed my protein shake for breakfast and greek yogurt with frozen blueberries for lunch.  Its not that these things are particularly amazing to eat, but I found I enjoyed the flavors and the familiarity of a meal that would both keep my body full and not bring that sense of guilt or frustration.  I do have some sense of my system withdrawing a bit.  While I am not hungry at all, there is an emotional hunger for things I normally reserve for special occasions (i.e. anything with frosting, chocolate, sugar, cream cheese, chocolate, sprinkles, did I say chocolate?).  I hate the withdrawal stage.  It takes a few days to eradicate the cravings.  I usually deal with this by (1) exercising and (2) allowing myself some of those calories from exercising to indulge a little.  Some Lindt Dark Chocolate with Sea Salt...some Edy's light ice cream.  Something to keep my brain/body from complete rebellion.  I used to try complete and utter denial of those things but it only make me focus on them more.  As long as my iPhone calorie tracker app says I have the calories to do it, I try to use them up, especially the first few days back on track.  Otherwise, I'm snarky and ridiculous to those around me.

I also have a decision that I'm struggling with... The facility which held the 21 day challenge is doing a 60 day challenge starting this Saturday.  Its very enticing as the cost isn't very high for all the benefits you receive.  So I have to decide if I want to make that commitment again which means driving an extra 40 minutes 4 times per week and spending some $$$ which we are recovering from Christmas expenses.  These classes are also 1 hour long which will increase the time and intensity of the workout.  Its not that I don't think its worth it.  I know it would be, but I am a frugal person who owns several workout routines on DVD.  I had the self-discipline to get through P90x once, but I know how motivating it can be to workout in a setting where you push and are being pushed to work harder, faster.  So I'm struggling to decide if adding this commitment into my life is going to be beneficial without adding a tremendous amount of stress.  Stress to prearrange meals to be cooking in my absence.  Stress to get out of the house early on Saturday mornings when I typically make a nice breakfast for the hubby.  So we shall see what I decide I can live with.  Hmm....

Oven Turkey Meatballs

Last night, I had a craving for the warm embrace of pasta.  It was cold and bitter outside.  The leftover Christmas snackie treats had disappeared to the office to be consumed by the masses.  I wanted something that would satisfy, but also keep me in my daily caloric range.  Thus, Oven Turkey Meatballs were born.  Taking several recipes and pulling out the redeeming qualities, here is my creation which was fast, satisfying and gave me a tasty meal at roughly 500 calories.  I served them with my spruced up pasta sauce and rotini pasta. Personally, I am a big fan of rotini.  It holds lots of sauce in its little nooks and crannies.  If I was just making this for me, I would have used whole-wheat pasta, but since my husband thinks whole-wheat pasta is an abomination, I used DaVinci Organic Rotini Pasta.   I kept the 2% Italian Cheese Blend on the dinner table so we could sprinkle some over the top of the pasta.  My husband wants most meals to sear his taste-buds from spice heat, so he also added a decent coating of red pepper flakes to the whole beautiful mixture.   My pasta bowl had approximately 1 cup of cooked pasta and sauce with 4 beautiful meatballs covered with 1-2 tbsp of cheese.

Oven Turkey Meatballs

Prep time - 10 mins
Cook time - 30 mins
Serves 6
Makes 24 meatballs, 4 meatballs per serving











INGREDIENTS:
1 (20 ounce) package ground turkey (needs to be 93/7, the turkey should have at least 7% fat otherwise it falls apart)
1 egg, beaten
1/2 cup Panko bread crumbs
1 tsp Italian Seasoning (you could also add different seasonings to taste, next time I may throw in a little onion powder too)
3 tsp minced garlic
2 Tbsp Kraft 2% Milk Italian Three Cheese Shredded Cheese (you could also just use Parmesan)
Olive oil or cooking spray

DIRECTIONS:
1. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).
2.     Cover a cookie sheet or jelly roll pan with aluminum foil (just for easy clean-up, you don't have to do this if you want to wash the pan).  Lightly spray with cooking spray or use fingertips to spread a thin layer of olive oil.
3. In a medium bowl, mix together the ground turkey, egg, bread crumb, Italian seasoning, garlic and cheese using your hands. Form the meat into walnut sized meatballs. Place about 1/2 - 1 inch apart on the pan. You should have 24 meatballs total.  Oh and your hands will smell like garlic, even after you wash them.  For me, this is never a problem :)
3. Bake for 15 minutes in the preheated oven, then remove to turn them over, and continue baking for about 10-15 more minutes, or until somewhat brown on the outside. Add cooked meatballs to pasta sauce to coat.  Serve with whole wheat pasta.

Since I was pressed for time and didn't feel much like making sauce all the way from scratch, I cheated a bit and made a semi-homemade sauce with rotini.  I started the sauce once the meatballs went into the oven, but you could start it before if you wanted to let it simmer longer.  Here is my recipe:

Amanda's Semi-Homemade Quick Pasta Sauce with Rotini
INGREDIENTS:
Olive oil
1 small onion, chopped
2 Tbsp minced garlic
2 cans Eden Organic Pizza Pasta Sauce (15 oz)
1 can crushed tomatoes (15 oz or so)
A few shakes of Italian seasoning
Salt & Pepper to taste

2/3 or 12 oz of dry rotini pasta
Olive oil

DIRECTIONS:
1.  Start heating water in a pasta pot on high using package directions for guidance as to how much water you may need...  not that I ever do that.  I just wing it.
2.  In a large skillet or saucepan (I used one large enough to hold the pasta and meatballs at the end so I could serve the whole lovely mess from there), add a small amount of olive oil, chopped onions and minced garlic over medium heat.  Saute until soft, approximately 5 mins or until it looks right.
2.  Add canned pasta sauce and crushed tomatoes and stir frequently until it starts to bubble.  Add salt and pepper to taste.
3.  Simmer on low while pasta is prepared.
4.  The water in the pasta pot should be at a nice rolling boil so you can prepare the pasta according to package directions, adding a tsp or so of olive oil to keep the pasta from sticking.  I timed everything so the pasta and meatballs would finish around the same time.  Once the pasta was drained, I added it to the pasta sauce and threw in the meatballs as well.  PS, your kitchen will smell heavenly from the meatballs and garlic and onions and sauce.  You're welcome.

21 Day Challenge Results!

After 21 days of hard workouts and diligent clean eating, I stood nervously while the calipers pinched here, there and everywhere.  Without further adieu, here's the breakdown:

Total pounds lost: 7
Body Fat % lost: 1.7%
Inches lost: 4

Right now I am sitting at 24.9% body fat which is near the "Ideal" section of the body fat percentage range.  Using those math skills I never expected to need in my adult life and a little calculation assistance from this website (http://www.healthchecksystems.com/bodyfat.htm), I figured out that I started out at 44% body fat when I was 246 pounds.  That percentage doesn't even show up on this chart...

While I am more than a little proud of the progress I have made, I know I still have some serious toning to do to get closer to "Lean".  I was shown the "before" and "after" pictures from the challenge and I could actually see some differences in 3 weeks.  I could also see trouble spots that I will have to work on before I can transition to more of a maintenance mode.  I'm realistic enough to know that there will probably be areas of my body that will cling to cellulite like Gollum with a death grip on the ring.  Ah well, I can't escape this battle without a few scars to prove I fought my way back.

Awesome or Strange Revelations

In no particular order, here are some things I have discovered along the way as the pounds began and continue to come off:

• At some point you have to buy smaller workout clothes.  This one probably seems obvious to everyone, but when I bought several pairs of black stretchy yoga pants that I frequently wear during workouts, I never expected them to appear baggy.  I guess I thought they would be like the "Traveling Pants" from that movie and just magically adjust their size as I did.  Its not logical, I know.
• Sorry boys, this one is a bit personal so I'll attempt to describe with as much decorum as possible.  Its harder to shave under your arms because instead of being flat or even a tad convex, the area under your arms is now very concave due to lack of fat and increase of muscle.  When you have been doing something the same way for many years with the same result and suddenly you have to adjust your methods (i.e. work harder) for the same result, its a little disconcerting.
• Bones!  No, not Dr. McCoy or Dr. Brennan (depending on your brand of geek).  Of course I know I've always had them, but their dimensions were much harder to make out with a cushy layer over them.  Suddenly, I have little juts of bone here and there.  I'm fascinated.   
• The discovery of previously unseen muscles.  I picked something up the other day and happened to see the strangest little muscle appear on my forearm.  I can tell you it didn't used to be there.  Or at least it didn't used to be shaped like that.
• The discovery of previously unfelt muscles.  It seems that every time I learn a new way to do a squat (who knew there could be so many ways), a new bundle of muscle tissue makes its presence known the next day.  And the day after that.
• Something always seems to be falling off / down.  For example, my wedding ring has had several close calls as my fingers appear to be shrinking.  Some of my boots won't stay up on my calves, so they fall down and look slouchy but not in a good way.
• I hear myself making statements like "Oh I'd love to try [insert insanely challenging new fitness craze] sometime!"...with my outside voice and I actually mean it.  So weird.
• When I get hugged, I can feel that people's arms go around me farther than they did previously, particularly my husband.  When you've been hugged by someone for over 10 years, your body knows the feeling of the other person against you.  So when their arms can reach farther, you know that what they are hugging is smaller than it used to be.  I must say, this one might be my favorite :)

A Different December

This is by far the strangest December I have ever had.  I haven't eaten a single Christmas themed cookie.  I walked away from the most divine smelling potluck in the history of potlucks.  I've spent the last two Fridays awake at 5:00am driving to the gym.  I've lost 6 pounds (according to my scale).  I totally missed the fact that I passed the 60 pound mark because I have been too busy focusing on small goals.  Dear friends, I do believe I have been body snatched.

This 21 day challenge will come to a close on Saturday and I am itching to see the results.  When I started, my body fat percentage was just above the "normal" range into the "overweight" category.  I'm excited to see if I've made any progress toward lowering that number.  I'm excited to start 2013 at a weight I haven't seen since... well ever in my adult life.  I'm excited to plan a tropical vacation, have actual pictures of me taken without chagrin, wear swimwear in mixed company and buy summer clothes (typically my most frustrating fashion season).  Yep, totally body snatched.

But short-term, I am so excited for Christmas!  Taking a day or two to enjoy the indulgences (while not over-indulging and making myself feel wretched) which I don't have to feel bad about anymore because I know I'm working hard and being diligent the other 350 days of the year (took out a few for holidays / birthdays / girls nights). 

Being nice to that girl

I've been looking at photographs of myself over the past 10 years in an attempt to understand what triggered my weight gain.  Its a myriad of things really....being perhaps awfully young to be married and out on our own, struggling financially to sustain mortgages and car payments, dealing with scary health issues of close loved ones, overall insecurity about who I was and what I wanted...

When I see the pounds gradually (and sometimes not so gradually) pile on in the pictures, it feels like looking at someone else.  A girl with self-esteem issues who buried her frustrations and sorrows in Skittles and General Tso's Chicken.  I used to use words like "cow" and "fatty" and "whale" to describe myself, but now I see the damage that self-loathing can do.  Hating myself only made my problems seem more intense and before I knew it, I was in a full emotional landslide into whatever sugary confection was readily available.

These days, I try to be more gentle with that girl.  She dealt with some hard things and in the end, she brought me here.  She's not any of those ugly words.  She's a girl who didn't know what to do about her own health issues, but she tried to keep everything else from falling apart.

I know full well that I still don't have everything figured out.  I will likely always mentally seek a sugary confection when I get sucker-punched by a bad day, but it doesn't mean that my actions have to follow their old patterns.  I'll do my best to make better choices because I'm not just doing this for now.  I'm doing this to ensure the remaining years of my life are as good as they can possibly be.  Its not easy, but I was never promised that it was going to be.  

Holiday Battles

I think everyone hits a wall at some point during the holiday season.  A day where you feel the tight squeeze on the wallet from buying presents, when you remember that the real estate taxes are due in December which is just horribly cruel, when you have no spare moment to yourself because you are scheduling / baking / primping for another holiday party, when you have been trying to be so good eating healthy and working out but your body is dog-tired and your brain longs to dive head first into the box of Jingles you have been ignoring since it appeared on the shelf...(no, I didn't buy the Jingles, I wouldn't do that to myself).

I don't have a magical remedy for getting through these battles.  These are the days where I force myself to work out in hopes that the extra endorphins will boot me out of my funk.  I swing through Starbucks and indulge in the $4 grande nonfat latte because (a) its not the box of Jingle-flavored calories, (b) Starbucks smells like heaven, and (c) I could use the extra calcium and caffeine.  I persevere because it will get better when I give it some time.  Somehow the money will be juggled, the cookies will be baked and I will enjoy every minute of watching my loved ones open their gifts because I tried to pick something with their heart and soul in mind.  I will remember the true meaning of Christmas when Nat King Cole sings "Away in a Manger" and will likely shed a few tears for being self-centered and forgetful that Christmas is not about me.

Informal Before & After Shots

Unfortunately, I never really did an official "before" picture and the "after" picture is in progress, but I thought I would put together a bit of a photographic timeline of my rise and fall (thank you Facebook)....

June 2002

I actually gained about 5 pounds from the proposal to the wedding date.

June 2007

Beach wedding for my best friend and my weight was starting to rise more than I liked.

April 2010

My husband and I at a rehearsal dinner.  

I was dreading getting into the dress the next day.

August 2010

Cruise to the Bahamas...Terrified to be seen in a bathing suit.

October 2010

My all time high of 246 lbs.

This photo was taken right around the time I started going to Slim4Life.

December 2010

Starting to see some progress from Slim4Life.

I actually felt pretty good about my weight loss during this time 

(and yes, that is my fabulous sister next to me! :)

 June 2011

Several months of Weight Watchers and Power90 paid off.

 October 2012

P90x done! 

(and just in time for Maggie's wedding...whew!)

Can't wait to see what comes next!

Fitness Challenge Week 1

I attempted to write about this last weekend, but the blogger app on my phone ate my post so this will be my attempt to recreate what I'm sure was a witty and award winning post about my week 1 experience...ahem :)

****

When I initially signed up for the 21 day fitness challenge, I'll admit, I was fairly confident that my P90x experience would help me sail through those 30 minutes looking like a champ.  Sweaty yes, but able to master all the moves with ease.  Not so much.  In fact, not even close.  After the first session on Tuesday night with my glutes on fire, abs screaming obscenities and shoulders promising to not let me sleep well for a week, I felt pretty sheepish about my initial cocky attitude.  The reason there are famous biblical quotes such as "pride goeth before a fall" and "oh how the mighty have fallen" is that they are so painfully true.  I didn't rock that workout at all.  I was lucky that I finished without a full collapse.

Thursday night I arrived at the gym only to be reminded that I would be back in this same spot in about 10 hours for the next round of pain.  I should have just brought a cot.  I barely made it through both workouts and finished out the week feeling sore, tired and thankful for a few days before round 2 started.

Week 1 taught me a few valuable lessons:
1.  Prior workout regimens do not immediately transfer their value and experience to the next.  While I'm sure I made it farther than I would have before starting P90x, 30 minutes of intense circuit training with a trainer who isn't going to let you slack is not the same as a 60-70 minute video in your living room where no one is watching.

2.  Burpees are wretched.  I had never done one and now I know why.

3.  Sometimes you seek out a new challenge and it hits you like an ice cold glass of water in the face.  You are awakened, but damn, that was a heck of a way to do it.

4.  I'm trying to decide if TRX suspended push-ups, mountain climbers or burpees are the worst ever.  Its a close tie.

Round 2 starts tonight.  I promise to be more humble and less internally whiny.  Ok, maybe just more humble.  Baby steps.

Lions and tigers and zombies, oh my!

Last night, I had an intensively realistic "Walking Dead" dream.  My husband and I are big fans of the AMC show, but we haven't watched it in a few weeks (trying to queue up a few episodes).  I remember I was thinking about the show last night and inevitably, was transported into an dreamworld nightmarish episode.  Fortunately, I was smack in the middle of Shane and Darryl which is where you want to be should said zombie apocalypse ever occur.  After a few hours, most of the details have faded, but in my dream, I distinctly remember that I was without any essential gear to defend myself.  My only weapon was a puny Phillips screwdriver...which if you watch the show you'll know it has saved more than one person, but it would not be my go-to piece of gear if I should I ever find myself in that situation.  Coincidentally, I did successfully take out a flesh-crazed zombie with my silly little screwdriver, but that isn't the point of this story.

Beyond the basics of food, water and antibiotics, I decided to make my own list of essential zombie fighting gear.  I'm certainly missing things that other would find to be important, but this is my blog so I get to make my own lists!  (Gee Whiz! Apparently that tangle with the zombie made me a wee bit crabby today)   If you are new to my blog or don't know me very well, I definitely have a strong geek streak so bear with this episode.  I'm sure we will return to your regularly unscheduled fitness/health motivation in a day or two.

In no particular order, here is Amanda's go-to zombie fighting kit:
Excalibur Axiom SMF Crossbow
At about 5.8 lbs, this is lighter than the average crossbow so it can be carried without too much back strain.  I bought one of these for my hubby for his birthday (potentially, this was a mildly selfish purchase since I wanted access to shoot it too... shhh don't tell him) and it is certified awesome!  This crossbow is capable of producing arrow speeds in excess of 305 feet per second!  It comes complete with a scope, cocking aid (because its a recurve, not a compound), 4 arrow quiver plus 4 Firebolt arrows complete with field points.  Using the cocking aid, I can pull this sucker back in about 5 seconds.  Definitely not what you want in hand to hand combat, but you can pick a few off as they head your direction.

Handgun with a silencer
Really its your choice of caliber here, but the silencer is the important part.  As we all know, zombies are attracted to sounds so quiet is key when you are picking off the loners.

Japanese Katana Sword
Outside of just looking extremely cool, a very sharp katana can cleanly remove a zombie head on the go.  You still have to do your due diligence and make sure the brain is taken out, but it gets the head out of biting proximity.

Ka-Bar Fighting Knife
At 11-3/4 inches total length, this is best for hand to hand combat should you get into a tight space. You can definitely take out the zombie without fear of breaking the blade.  Heck if the US Marines use these for fighting fully alive attackers, they should certainly work for the undead.

Sperian Protection S8500 Bionic Face Shield
Just my personal preference, but it seems that the cast of the "Walking Dead" are always covered in some unmentionable substance during and after a fight.  While I don't want something that's going to get in the way, this just seems like a good idea.  I do see some problems with the concept, but really, who wants zombie goo up your nose, right?

Kevlar Pants, Sleeves, Vest, etc
If it stops most bullets and knives, presumably it stops zombie teeth.  This seems like a no-brainer.(ha, I didn't intend that pun, but it made me laugh when I went back and read this)

This seems like a good starting point and potentially all that I could carry for long distances over rough terrain in a good pair of hiking boots.  Lastly, because I found this to be particularly amusing, here is Emmy Kinney's tips for maintaining a beauty regimen while running from the undead... Enjoy!

Weakness

"When mental energy is allowed to follow the line of least resistance and to fall into easy channels, it is called weakness" - James Allen

I went back and forth on the title for this post.  It was a tight race between "weakness" and "interruptions".  I experienced both this weekend and honestly, didn't handle either the way I should have.  On Thursday night we took off for a long weekend of camping and flashing, twinkling Christmas cheese in the form of Silver Dollar City.  We wanted to get on the road early on Thursday, but work ran long and daylight disappeared.  We packed the motor home in haste and headed out, promptly forgetting the new car tag I had just picked up at the DMV.  This was irritating, but I figured any police officer could run the VIN number and see that it was registered.  After about an hour on the road, my husband mentioned some problems he was noticing with the motor home as we were driving so we decided to leave it running while I ran into a fast food restaurant for our dinner.  My frustration over frantic packing, potential vehicle problems and forgetting the license plate tag resulted in a order of french fries and a large bag of Starburst.  An hour and half later, we were broken down on the side of the road just outside of Springfield, MO.  It was getting late and tensions were running high.  My nervous energy about our situation resulted into a pile of Starburst wrappers and headache from the sugar rush.  After an hour or two of tinkering and troubleshooting, we were finally able to limp to Springfield and check into a hotel well after midnight.

The next day required decisions and action plans for what to do about our transmission problems, temporary storage for the motor home and its contents, new accommodations in Branson so that we could actually attempt to enjoy the weekend with my parents, etc.  No need to go into the details of the rest of the weekend, but I can say that it seemed to be one hurdle after another.  Insane traffic, stores missing the single item you need, broken bed frames, etc.  One interruption after another.  My finely honed patience was dwindling and all those old destructive eating habits settled back into place.  Candy, large portions, soda... my weakness knew no bounds.  Even as I sit here typing, my stomach reminds me of the dark chocolate covered cranberries I consumed earlier with reckless abandon.  I feel that old familiar stomach ache and intense, painful regret for giving into my weakness...again.  So this is me, fessing up.  My name is Amanda and I will always battle emotional eating.

My point in divulging all of this is two-fold.  1.  To serve as a reminder to myself how empty emotional eating truly is.  Candy and junk food never cures the pain.  The fear of the scale and the amount of sit-ups necessary to undo the damage isn't worth the best flavor of Starburst (which is Cherry, by the way).  2.  To help me move past the interruptions and weakness toward a healthy balance once again.  Consistency and routine will restore my faith in the process.  I'll pull those Wonder Woman boots back on and let my Bracelets of Victory deflect stress, frustration and stray bullets.  ;)

"The greatest weakness of all is the great fear of appearing weak."

Jacques Benigne Bossuel

21 Inches in 21 Days?

Last night, I had dinner with Shauna, a dear friend who is a personal trainer and all around bad-ass fitness guru.  We have a standing Game of Thrones night with her sister Rebecca (who is also awesome and a dear friend in her own right) and Rebecca's husband Dave (similarly awesome).  Shauna told me about a 21 day challenge available at the personal training center where she works and my curiosity was piqued.  Here's the gist:

Cost - $21

What you get - 

• Initial weigh-in & measurements
• 3 - 30 minutes group sessions per week with certified personal trainer (3 weeks)
• You get $1 back for every inch you lose

This program appealed to me for several reasons.  (1) P90x is fantastic, but my motivation to stick with round 2 has been waning. (B) I just came off of a weekend of pumpkin-spiced, deviously butter-laden treats galore.  With Christmas in sight, this girl needs a jump start.  And (3) I really want to get my measurements taken so that I can stop obsessing over "175" and figure out my target body fat percentage.  Yes I totally switched between numbers and letters just now...Maggie & Tasha, that was for you. ;)

A quick note about my friend, Shauna....A couple of months ago, I ran across an email that Shauna sent me back in 2008 with an exercise plan and some amazing tips for getting healthy and it got me thinking. While I have always known that Shauna has had an overwhelmingly positive impact on my life by just being an amazing, fun, beautiful, uplifting friend, I never fully realized the part she has played in my journey to become more healthy. I've had my ups and downs (literally from the scale to multiple knee surgeries), but through every moment she continues to be a source of encouragement and joy, just by being who she is and how she lives each day.  Despite my best efforts to achieve a balanced opinion of myself, I frequently pass harsh judgement for the mistakes I have made or the pounds I have taken off only to put back on.  Shauna has never once displayed anything to me but love and acceptance for who I am. Friends like this are an oasis in a world of self deprecation.  I am blessed to have several.

OK, so back to the fitness challenge.  It starts next week and I am nervously excited to exercise outside the safety of my living room and Tony Horton's corny (yet endearing) commentary. I'm not particularly excited about one of the classes that starts at 5:30am.  Yes, that is AM, not PM folks.  I am a weirdo night exerciser and I have been assured by a certain perky, well-meaning friend that morning exercise is the bee's knees.  As I told her last night, I'm not saying that I don't believe her, I just object to the whole thing...BECAUSE DRAGONS, Shauna ;) 

Let's start at the very beginning

After all, the beginning is a very good place to start.

October 2010... Standing on the scale at the Slim-4-Life office at my initial consultation meeting, it registered 246 pounds.  The woman taking down my information smiled at me very kindly and said, "You wear your weight well, I never would have guessed you weighed that much."  I've gone back and forth in my mind around her statement.  At the time, it felt like a compliment.  I think I still feel that way, but nevertheless, it stings a bit now.  At 6' tall, that number put me into a size 18 pants and an XXL shirt.  I was nearing my 29th birthday and knew I was staring at over 250 pounds in my 30s if something didn't change.  That's what brought me to this office in the first place.  Several of my coworkers had joined this particular weight loss program and seen significant drops.  On my own, I had lost and gained almost 60 pounds in unhealthy ways for the last 10 years and enough was enough.

January 2011... Our house burns to the ground.  Total loss.  Out the door at 11:30pm at night with pajamas I had on, wrapped in my husbands wool pea coat, clutching my purse that was by the front door.  Memories of that night still make my heart race and my head spin.  I watched everything I own burn to blackness and I was powerless.  With a wind chill in the single digits and water freezing before it hit the house, the fire blazed for hours until we could finally watch no more.  I remember only bits and pieces of the following weeks.  Standing in Target while my best friends picked out some clothing for me, diving into comfort food only to find no comfort, picking up the pieces of my sanity...

It would seem that weight loss would be the furthest thing from my mind, but something happened to me that I didn't expect.  Freedom.  Freedom from a closet with 3 different sizes.  Freedom from years of accumulated clutter and a pantry full of unhealthy foods.  Freedom from debt.  Despite the pain and total disruption that the fire caused, I felt a sense of awakening I can hardly describe.  "Things" didn't matter anymore.  "Stuff" was unimportant.  My health, my physical body... it was all that I had and all I could control.  So I took the one thing I had left and I began to work on myself.  Up to that point, I had lost about 15 pounds with Slim-4-Life, but quit after only 2 months due to the cost of the supplements and rigidity of the program (the program works for many, just didn't for me).  I rejoined Weight Watchers online and faithfully tracked my meals.  I started cooking real meals with fresh ingredients.  I rejected prepackaged foods and never skipped a meal.  My husband and I also started to do Tony Horton's Power90 together 5-6 times per week.  The strangest thing happened.  It worked.  I think I half expected it not to work, but slowly, ever so slowly, the pounds began to come off.  I lost inches and suddenly, I was in a size 16 before I knew it.  And then a size 14.

I maintained a 30-40 pound weight loss from July 2011 through June 2012 and it felt good to maintain a comfortable weight loss for an entire year.  It gave me confidence to know that my good habits were sticking.  If I saw the numbers creep up a bit, I would work out more and be more diligent with my healthy eating.  I also discovered that muscle tone kept my weight and shape where I wanted it to be. But...I wanted more.  I wanted to see what I was capable of because I had achieved more than I expected, but I still had this number in my head.  175.  175 is the top healthy number on the height/weight chart for a 6' tall, large frame female.  I passed 175 somewhere in middle school when I was growing several inches at time in a very short amount of years.  My lowest weight in high school was 185 and it wasn't a toned physique.  I knew I could do more if only I had the right fitness program.

Enter stage left... the right fitness program, Tony Horton's P90x.   Weight Watchers Online fits my nutrition needs flawlessly.  I have flexibility to cook and add variety to my days, but I have a consistent and easy to follow points system that I can live with.  I just didn't have a fitness program that had variety and pushed me hard enough.  I had been completely intimidated by P90x for years after reading reviews and hearing people complain about how hard it was.  Years ago, I tore my ACL in my right knee and after several surgeries, they finally decided to just remove it.  I kept thinking "I just can't do something this strenuous, right?" but my curiosity was killing me.  After all, I did Power90 and I survived and thrived.  So one afternoon, I put the P90x kit in my Amazon shopping cart, clicked "Checkout" and prayed it was the right thing to do.

The first 30 days, I thought I was going to give out.  I was sure that my back / knees / ankles / abs were going to erupt and I would never be able to exercise again.  OK, that's a bit dramatic, but seriously, P90x is HARD when you are not a very athletic or coordinated person.  I lost 9 pounds and shed at least an inch over most of my major problem areas.  Despite the discomfort and general grumbling about spending over an hour of my precious time working out almost every damn day, I kept going.  By day 60, I was still sore every day, but I was starting to suck less at the workouts.  I could finish most of them to completion even if I couldn't keep up with the people in the video.

On day 90, I'll admit, I felt like a rock star.  I didn't have a perfect body, but I did have a body I had never seen before.  I had lost another 8 pounds and even more inches, wearing a size 10/12.  I had muscles I had never seen or was aware of before.  For the first time in my adult life, I was looking forward to wearing a dress to a wedding I was attending.  On my 31st birthday, I hit a personal goal of 190 pounds and I felt great, dare I say, attractive for the first time in a long time.

I still have pounds and inches to go, but I feel like I can see it for the first time.  Out of the ashes of my previous life, a new woman has emerged.  Someone who isn't doomed to be heavy and nonathletic her entire life.  A woman who finally knows the difference between eating for nutrition and eating through pain.  Will I run a marathon?  Probably not.  Will I put on a bathing suit that shows my previously unveiled stomach?  I hope so.  I hope I get to see who I can be and who I can maintain throughout the years.  My goals are still in progress, but I have a tremendous hope that with the love and support of friends, family and the network of fitness enthusiasts around me, I can continue this transformation and be there for those who are walking the path with me.